CBS.comWhenever I get a really good hand, this is the look I flash to keep ‘em guessing.

I know it’s early evening for most of you, but it’s already Friday morning in Australia, so it’s fair to ask: “Who’s ready for some breakfast?”

Cochran is … as long as you’ll feed it to him.

And after watching that trio munch muffins on “Survivor: South Pacific,” I don’t think I’ll be ready for breakfast again for quite some time.

Which is a real bummer, because Chef Ozzy Lusth seems to think he has some pretty prime menus planned for Redemption Island.

But CBS was in hurry-up mode last night, so we’ll do the same. now stop dry heaving, quit huddling and snap the ball, McNabb!

Johnny CochranLast week, rock-blocker Johnny C. prevented us from seeing the first drawing of stones on Survivor since Season 4 (or so he says). but his reason was a perfectly legitimate one:

“I haven’t been obsessed with this for 11 years to have my fate determined by picking a stone out of a bag.”

That really shakes me to my core. even though I know Cochran’s a “Survivor historian” and I also know he’s only 24, it never really clicked with me that he’s been obsessively cataloging the show’s events since he was in seventh or eighth grade. I don’t want to know that any child has spent any portion of his childhood doing that. He has fonder memories of seeing Richard Hatch walk around naked than of seeing Sharon Stone do the same in “Basic Instinct.” I wish I could unlearn that. I wish Rick had never taken his shirt off or eaten a muffin yesterday. I wish. I wish.

Kids, if you’re reading this at home, put that notebook down!

Moving on, Brandon’s already established with Coach and Mikayla that he doesn’t mean to interrupt. Well he doesn’t mean it this time either when he slides in between Johnny and Ozzy to make sure no one’s being aggressive with his little buddy … who just so happens to be astonishingly taller than him. Wow! I’m learning a lot of new things tonight. if you’re ever on the Hantz ranch and someone offers you a glass of well water, you’d best not be a swallowin’.

Ozzy puts his mind at ease by telling him “we’re not like gangsters out here, man.” Speak for yourself. Loco’s got neck tattoos. one of them means “crazy.”

AND THEN THE LIES START.

Ozzy starts the latest trend of everyone pretending that they’ve been bending over backward to keep Cochran in the game and preserve his safety.

“I’ve put my ass on the line for you directly, personally.”

CBS.comA glass a day keeps the basketball hoop away. Cheer up, buddy. I’ve heard tale of muffins.

And this is everybody’s reaction.MP3

Ozzy’s reaction to Cochran chalking his decisions up to self-preservation is “sure, that’s the easy way out. That’s how a wiener plays.”

If self-preservation’s the easy way out, take my measurements for that wiener costume.

Jim’s a bit more blunt. He calls Cochran a coward and a poor excuse for a man.

And let’s not forget Whitney, who was on the verge of adding a protein supplement to her diet before Kuddle Buddy Keth went kamping.

Whit’s pissed because she and Keith saved Cochran three times. Three times!

And this is everybody’s reaction.MP3

Seriously, what are these people talking about? does the day she and Keith threw away two votes on Dawn as way of “keeping Ozzy’s trust” when Elyse got voted out count as “saving Cochran”? Whitney keeps saying, “It wasn’t against me? It wasn’t against me?” Ummmm, no. You’re still here, aren’t you? I don’t see a ring on that finger yet. She closes by telling JC he disgusts her. I won’t fight you on that one, Whit. The popped collar and the red nose thing skeeve me out too.

“You’ve got a lot to learn, buddy.”

My principal said to that to me once in sixth grade. but I think she said “mister.” It didn’t work then, and I don’t think it’s going to work with Cochran now. Weak closer, Whit.

Cochran crawls back into the loving arms of his new tribe for consolation, but thankfully I only mean that figuratively. Oh damnit, Rick just put his arm around Johnny. now who’s going to step up and console Johnny about THAT?

Meanwhile, Whitney blames Cochran for having “wasted” her six-week Survivor adventure. Ummm, I think Keith, that hammock and the ocean deserve a fair share of the blame too, girlfriend.

And Jim’s just as pissed as Whitney because he thinks Keith’s hot too “we gave him exactly what he wanted. He wanted to be a double agent.”

Ummmm, not so much. That was Ozzy’s idea as part of the terrible plan that got you all in this mess. Cochran embraced the role, sure, but he never auditioned for it.

Tuna on ToastWe’re back and we get a good look at the new tribe flag, which features names like Jim III, Keith #2 and The Kid. Of course, there’s also “Coach” and “Cochran” so, yeah, not a lot of people are digging their Christian names out here. but, from a creativity standpoint, it looks like Jim and Keith would fare the worst in witness protection.

CBS.comThis is what wasting six weeks of your life looks like.

Bennie might do a little better since he’s already been in the program for over 20 years. He’s also in a celebratory mood after the coup they just pulled last week, so he does what everyone does when it’s time to party – Tai Chi. He’s trying to remain confident but not cocky, humble but not weak. you don’t have anything to worry about in the weakness department, pal. Don’t think we don’t see that pulsating fist you’re rocking in the morning meditation. There’s a cameraman about 3 inches from it.

When you accept a job as a Survivor cameraman, do you have to sign an “awkward times” waiver?

Ozzy’s “total strategy is gone. I have nothing more I can do.”

To recap, that total strategy involved giving away his immunity idol, requesting to be voted out to ensure the elimination of a certain ally-in-waiting in Christine, have his acting skills universally panned by a real-life peanut gallery, treat the one weak link in his alliance like a complete cow pie, reclaim his idol in order to squander it the same day on a total non-factor and stake the future of his alliance on a completely arbitrary granite-based elimination process.

It’s sound thinking like that that’s gotten him to the brink of a coveted 12th-place finish.

Challenge #1We’re 9 minutes in and it’s already immunity-challenge time, so it seems like it’s finally settling in for CBS that there are a dozen people left and less than six episodes remaining to deal with them all.

Sophie’s showing surprisingly impressive athletic ability as she scales the jungle gym and quickly becomes a prime contender. Dawn’s always a gamer, while Whitney just seems to have some sort of problem with spitting out the juice … which I don’t have a problem with.

Ultimately, Jim’s always accepted bigger mouthfuls of juice than any of these gals and it once again serves him well by winning him immunity. Upon claiming the crown, Jim screams something unintelligible in celebration. “Cochran!” “Drago!” who really knows.

As Sophie barfs out her last mouthful and Whitney wipes her lips in disgust, Jim collects his idol, coconut in hand, guzzling juice like the thirstiest man on earth whenever he can catch a breath. It feels so good to finally be able to swallow some.

Meanwhile, Edna is the only contestant standing on the welcome mat, messenger bag slung over her shoulder and a look like, “OK, Jeff, I’m ready for the challenge.”

Associated PressWhoa! my total strategy is gone.

If someone had accidentally cracked Edna’s head open in search of coconut juice, might they have actually found some? when would Edna have found out that excavation was happening?

Scramble #1This one should be a no-brainer … which puts it in right in Edna’s wheelhouse. Brandon busts out his abacus to make sure they don’t foul it up. by his count, the 7-4 majority they attained last week should result in 6 votes for Ozzy this time around. Brandon’s straw polls have a margin of error of +/- 1. but his logic is sound. I mean, how many chances do you get to vote Ozzy out of this game?

“Apparently two.” Hey, it’s the Court Jester, everyone!

Sensing his demise, Ozzy tells Coach “all I can offer is just who I am.” Hmmmm, that and a dollar will get you two apple pies at McDonald’s, buddy.

“Oh, yeah.” … aaaannndd Brandon just got Cochran’s joke about voting out Ozzy. While in the joint, he took equivalency classes from the Keith Tollefson School of Delayed Cognition.

Back to Ozzy, Bennie is enjoying his humility, even if it’s fake or just borne out of desperation. after all, as Marcus Aurelius once said, “my parents have been calling me ‘Coach’ since I was 18.”

“Coach, you gonna try the bungalow?”“Don’t you think you should have a blanket and a pillow tonight now that the happiness is…”

Now that the happiness is what, Dawn — bigamy?

Don’t look now, but Dawn’s in flirt mode, and she’s rubbing Coach’s arm smears as she invites him to lie beside her. I’m rubbing my eyes as she says all of this, hoping that when I stop this will all be over.

But Coach agrees that it would be “awesome” and Dawn says, “I’m coming, dude.” OK, Dawn, take it easy. I know you’re just trying to stay good with the purple people, but faking an orgasm is a bit extreme, don’t you think? what would your husbands say?

Jim’s planJim knows that he’s easily the most hated Savaii member because he speaks his mind. Cochran’s the poorest excuse for a man that Jim knows. and we all know Jim knows some real John Wayne types. It’s just something about the chaps.

Whitney says, “I told him he disgusts me” and Jim says “He does.” we know, Jim, she just said so.

“I call a coward a coward. That’s me. Because I’m not a coward.”

If it hadn’t been for Brendan Fraser’s breakout performance in “Encino Man,” Jim might’ve landed the lead in “School Ties.”

So Jim supposes that he’ll give a rousing speech at tribal council that convinces people to turn on Cochran for being so dishonorable, and then he’ll give Ozzy his immunity right before the vote. Ozzy’s about to cry right now.

CBS.comWhen she’s not completely crumbling under the emotional weight of the game, Dawn’s a naughty flirt.

“I’m never gonna give up as long as I live, and certainly not here on Survivor.”

So, basically, Ozzy promises not to kill himself. Let’s clap it up.

And CBS is never going to give up propping him up on a rock in front of a mullet fan and having him gaze at a CGI rainbow.

Tribal CouncilWhen I used to have more hair, I’d get it cut every 3.5 weeks or so. It’s Day 22 or 23 in the South Pacific, and Jeff Probst needs a look at a calendar and a mirror. if you put Fonzie in front of the Ozzy fan, he’d be presiding over tribal council right now. Probey looks like Chuck Daly out there.

Somebody hand that man a khaki baseball cap.

Pompadour be damned, Jeff could run a tribal in his sleep, so he leads off with Cochran, who’s already hard at work fashioning his weekly noose. you see, Johnny took the opportunity to play with a group of people he wanted to play with … which he doesn’t mean as any disrespect to his former tribemates … even though he knows “that really sounded horrendous what I just said.”

Ozzy, Jim and Whitney show promise as a harmony trio in echoing that last sentiment.but he pulls through it by telling Jeff that drawing rocks “is not how you play Survivor. That’s not the essence of Survivor. It’s about taking control of my own fate and making a decision that I could be happy with.”

Funny, Cochran doesn’t look that happy. but maybe this will cheer him up. you see, it hasn’t just been Ozzy and Dawn fixing Cochran with floaties — Jim saved him in the first three votes too!

And this is everybody’s reaction.MP3

Jimbo, nobody’s ever going to forget your vote for “COCKRAN.” Not your mom, not your girlfriend, not your boyfriend. So give it up.

Associated PressJeff, if you were coaching the Pistons to NBA titles and The Dream Team to a gold medal, your haircut would be OK.

And then Loco interjects to say something, well, crazy. He says if you remember last week (I do, I do), Upolu was being made fun of for playing with integrity. OK, then I guess I don’t remember last week after all. Wait, Brandon, are you talking about this blog or the real show? Actually, no, I still don’t know what you’re talking about. but it wouldn’t be the tenth time.

“Enough’s enough. The smaller people don’t have to take it anymore.”

Speak for yourself, Brandon. Cochran’s 5-foot-4, 125, you pipsqueak.

Naturally, the Jim/Ozzy/Whit platter takes offense and Ozzy accusingly asks Cochran when they ever made him feel “small.” Ummm, by basing your first several votes against him and trying to get people to get rid of him based on his weakness.

Good job, Johnny! I didn’t know there were crickets out here.

Time for Binion’s Boy to reveal his trump card.

Jim says he’s thinking about giving immunity to Ozzy and he’s gotten to know the other tribe.

“They consistently say, ‘Honor, honor, honor.’ I know that they see that I have a warrior heart and a warrior soul.”

Cut to Coach, who looks like he just had a glass of milk with a few too many solids in it.

Jim’s selling the removal of the turncoat as a chance to send a message to everyone that will ever play Survivor. Cut to Rick, who kind of adjusts his seating position and is suddenly all ears. you see, he’s been thinking about playing Survivor himself.

Coach tells Jeff that when Jim says “warrior this and warrior that” he stands up a little straighter and listens with a more attentive ear, the same way that Charlie Sheen does when someone says “crack cocaine this and prostitutes that.”

Coach says voting Cochran out sends the message that if you stand up for yourself you’re screwed. Jim says that voting him out sends a message beyond this season as to what the game’s about.

So, Jim, hand your idol to Ozzy and let’s get on with it. Didn’t think so. Jim took the easy way out. can you believe it? what a self-preservationist.

Ozzy just wants to throw something out there: “when I’m at Redemption, I’m not feeding 11 people. I’m feeding myself. I’m gonna be full, I’m gonna be well rested. I’m not going to have to worry about everybody scrambling.”

Associated PressSince I have these gloves on, Albert’s going to have to feed me my morning muffin.

So, basically, he’s going to be lying in wait to knock off all you suckas one by one at Redemption Island. but not before he savors the chance to tell you one last time: Ozzy’s favorite thing to brag about.wav

Have at is, hoss. Sprint your ass on up to the voting urn, write down “Coc” (Oh, Brandon gets it!) and then sprint your ass out of here like the insufferable tool that you are.

But not before Coach salutes the voting urn and Sophie draws a fish on her parchment. Sophie is awesome! She wrote you a delicious vote, Ozzy.

Challenge #2Fisher boy is the off the hook right now talking about his “master plan” (the new one, not the terrible old one that failed miserably), the ocean reefs and kooking fish for him and Keth. In fact, it’s the freshest fish Keith’s ever had. Keith, it’d be the freshest fish a shark has ever had.

“I wonder what they’re eating today.”

Well let’s belly up to the breakfast bar and have a look.

Jeff reveals a table full of donuts, muffins and iced coffee. Tired of having everyone disagree with him so much over the past 24 hours, Jim plays it safe and yells, “Those are the muffins!”

A little less coy, Brandon immediately turns around to Rick and pumps his fist in jubilation. Something tells me those two have big plans for them there danishes. Rick knows a cool breakfast when he sees one.

As the challenge begins, it’s time to eat. so naturally Albert starts feeding Cochran a muffin. if you managed not to shout “Oh my God!” when you saw that, congratulations, you nudged me out for The Poise Award. Those Upolus sure have taken this Harvard nestling under their wings. someday you’ll be able to eat a muffin like a big boy, Cochran, maybe even like Loco.

Associated PressWhoa! I caught you a delicious bass.

Albert, I know you’re a dating coach and I’m sure your seminars include a segment on how “playfully feeding your date can serve to increase the connection you feel between one another.”

But now your autobiography is going to include a segment on how “I never got another date in my life after the world saw my hand feeding a muffin to Johnny Cochran.”

As Brandon has a spontaneous sugar spasm, Coach has a chubby for the coffee and cracks up when Jeff asks him about missing out on competing. yes, Coach! Honor, schmonor.

Meanwhile, Rick submits his resume tape for fetish film narrator when he says in a disturbingly calm and quiet voice: “Wow, that’s creamy.” Brandon finds it a little less creamy and a little more “redonkulous.” He’s also sniffing the muffins before he eats them. Never mind.

But, oh yeah, there’s a challenge going on. Jeff implores the contestants to “try to block out the sounds that you’re hearing as best as you can.” before Jeff’s even done with that sentence, Jim instead reacts by jai alaing his ball into the woods. Brandon raises his arms victoriously and shouts “yes!” as if he and Rick just drove by a sign that said “Bake Sale.”

Dawn decides to play mocha martyr by pretending she’s holding on just to extend the breakfast hours for everyone else. She says she really feels as though it’s one tribe right now, but she’s got to be just saying that, right? could she really believe that?

Speaking of things that are hard to believe, we’re then shown a butter-covered Rick feverishly suckling a muffin that Edna is dangling over his mouth. Holy crap, it’s like Caligula out here! somebody dump a bucket of iced coffee on those two! Rick’s breakfast is starting to be a little too cool for … school-aged children. Cochran says there are 13-year-olds trying to memorize this and we don’t want them rocking themselves to sleep at night.

Incidentally, where are everyone’s hands right now? What’s with all the feeding of others? Never mind … again.

Coach says Dawn’s been incredible and Brandon seconds that. ask Ozzy what that and a dollar will get you, Dawn.

Back at Caligula’s house, Brandon’s about to tap out, so Cochran offers him a shoulder to rest on. and Loco takes him up on it. at this point, the only solace I can take away from this challenge is that nobody’s naked … yet. Dawn’s holding her breath just in case and that almost causes mr. Littman to haul away the muffin stumps. Fearing that he might miss out on a ménage à turnover with Edna and Rick, Brandon loses his composure and excitedly roots for Dawn to hang on.

“you can tell who Brandon likes more.”

That’s just because vixens like you threaten his sexual sobriety, Whitney, and let’s just say the crullers in Texas State Prison have a little different texture than the ones he’s noshing on right now.

CBS.comThe minute Probst rips off that tablecloth, you grab Edna and I’ll grab a Boston Creme.

And then along comes MaryAfter Dawn confuses keeping your balance for holding your breath one too many times, we’re back at camp and Cochran is wearing Coach’s bedazzled/embossed/tattooed Ed Hardy-esque varsity jacket/blazer. and he’s strutting around in it. and now he’s wearing Rick’s hat. and now his mom’s crying. and now Dawn’s son is crying at home because his mom compared him to this weirdo last week.

He looks like one of those kids who dresses up in his parents’ clothes when he’s 5. Except he’s 24.

And now I’m scared.

You know how at the end of every season Jeff announces that items from the show are auctioned off for charity and you say to yourself, “who the hell would buy any of that s**t?”

You see where I’m going with this. just as I didn’t want to know what little Johnny was doing in middle school, I don’t want confirmation that he has Special Agent Sheppard’s fuchsia tighties in a trophy case at home. I don’t want to know that he wears one of Rupert Boneham’s tie-dyed tanktops around Harvard Yard when it’s frisbee weather.

Ultimately, I really just don’t want to know that this is what Cochran’s talking about when he tells us he’s usually the “comic relief” or the “life of the party.” I want the cops to shut down the party.

“Cochran right now is playing the most brilliant third-place game in Survivor history.”

Thank you, Jim. a jolt back to the game.

Scramble #2Jim knows he’s 100% going to RI unless he comes up with a plan. and I’ll give it to Jim. The guy comes up with plans. and they’re not even bad. It’s just that once someone on Survivor decides how they’re going to roll, it’s awfully hard to push them back uphill. nevertheless, he draws up a play in the sand (literally) and appeals to the only two rational minds in the majority – Albert and Sophie.

There are rational minds and then there’s Edna and Dawn. Dawn appears to be stirring boiling lemons in a bucket with a giant stick and says, “I kind of like the bucket.” Edna does too. I know, you’re shocked. but the reason she likes it isn’t because it’s good for lemonade, it’s because it’s excellent for favorite pastime – Laundry!

Edna’s breaking down stereotypes one dry-cleaning ticket at a time.

Albert’s breaking down his thought process that Dawn’s a potential target because she’s successfully ingratiating herself with his alliance.

“I’ve always seen myself as a person that can bring together different types of people.”

Dawn, let’s be honest – you live in Utah. Fraternizing with white Mormons with different hair colors and Samoans on the BYU football team that skip classes in your English course don’t exactly make you Mandela or MLK.

Let’s see what Coach thinks of how things are progressing: “I think an analogy to the animal kingdom would be suffice at this moment.”

Coach has been skipping your classes too, Dawn.

Jim’s a rhino, Whitney’s a serpent and — speaking of serpents — she also happens to be in a bikini with her hair down. quick, somebody throw a sack over Brandon’s head. It’s time for tribal council!

CBS.comNot even a sharp blow to the head can keep Edna out of the laundry room.

Tribal CouncilCochran shows up in his Halloween costume, Edna shows up still rocking gashes in her head from the blindfold challenge, Loco shows up wearing a brand new rope bracelet above his biceps and Jim shows up with an ear-to-ear smile because he thinks Jeff’s just fabulous.

With Whitney immune, it’s down to Dawn and Jim, and Sophie thinks they both have their “neeshes.” Ahhhh, Sophie, I’m so high on you. Don’t do this to me by perpetuating these snobbish word myths. “Niche” is pronounced like bitch. As in, “Ozzy’s just been acting like a stupid niche.”

Albert sings dawn’s social and competitive praises and she looks like she’s ready to sing the “Sound of Music.” Dawn’s busting like she just became assistant to the traveling secretary for the New York Yankees. and she really does see the Yankees as one family and didn’t think they would’ve blown their loads at the breakfast trough. Dawn really thought it was a unified group?! The things you don’t even think are possible for any human to ever think are the things Dawn actually thinks. but to each her own. no biggie.

Oh wait, yes biggie. Loco’s here. and he’s crazy. Apparently it was important to Brandon to have Dawn’s blessing to chow down and now he feels betrayed that she’s reneging on that. Brandon, get real. Regardless of what Dawn had to say, you and Rick had bad intentions for those bear claws.

The next few minutes are a blur of excruciating exchanges between a fairy princess and a felon over dining on donuts. either one of them could be the keynote speaker at a lunatic convention, but I’m taking Dawn’s side here because she’s a college professor and the only degree Brandon will ever get is one Andy Dufresne helps him with. Is it over yet?

Sadly, no. Whitney’s crying. They’re being pegged as bullies and she never once was the bully. you know earlier this episode when she was getting in Cochran’s face, dropping f-bombs on him and told him he disgusts her? Oops.

Dawn’s crying too. Brandon’s making me cry.

“we were excluded until we got power. then we were the villains.”

If Brandon’s teen-aged bride were here right now, would she understand the words that were coming out of his mouth? Is he aware they merged about 2 days ago as two tribes of six and his team immediately took control?

Coach, start fondling those rosary beads, it’s time to vote!

On a sidenote, did anyone else notice that every time they showed Cochran at this thing he was in a catatonic state with welts all over his face? just sayin’. someone find the kid an orange and have Albert peel it for him.

CBS.comBrandon now wears a travel-sized noose for Cochran in case Johnny’s handling himself a little too well at tribal.

And heeeerrreee come the Jim votes! Jim reveals all the tells that have made him Prince of Poker by reacting to EVERY SINGLE VOTE read against him. Stroking the beard, scratching the ear, the “indifferent” frown, the raise of the eyebrows, the nod of the head and finally the stand-and-smile. 6 for 6, buddy. Unreal. how have you ever won a hand?

Jim’s closing words?

“I think I played a great game. I think I positioned myself well for the million dollars.”

I think I know 9 people who disagree with you there, Jim, but you still have a shot. That duel between Keith, Ozzy and him is going to be big time and I applaud CBS for hitting fast forward on this whole mess to get us down to the nitty gritty. The writing’s pretty much on the wall for the next two or three votes, so double eliminations are all right by me.

And you guys are more than all right by me. Thanks for shelving those TPS reports and spending some time with me here today. I welcome your Comments below, encourage you to spread the word and if you see Rick or Brandon near a bakery, don’t try to be a hero – throw some condoms out the car window and alert the authorities.

{If you have secrets too dark for the light of public consumption or just prefer to send me hate mail directly, you can reach me at oshanahan@repub.com}

‘Survivor’: Hide the women, children and baked goods